Newsmambo

Whoever said that “honesty is the best policy” obviously never had to deal with weekly (or - heaven forbid - daily) phone calls from the parental units while in college. Thanks to cell phones and unlimited family minutes, it seems like my parents are always calling to chat. Of course, I love them dearly, and for that reason I sometimes have to fib. You know, to protect their innocent naivety. And to avoid some awkward conversations. So here are the top 10 lies college students tell their parents:

1) I was at the library on Thursday night. Actually, this MAY be true if you attend Ohio State and were, in fact, at the Library bar getting wasted for the official start of the weekend. In either case, it’s just better to stick with this alibi. In your parents’ minds, the only students who drink are those of legal age who will go out and have a couple of beers on Friday or Saturday night. Ignorance is bliss; don’t spoil their innocence.

2) I would have gotten an “A” in that class, but the crazy tenured professor was completely biased. Just because I procrastinated writing the final paper until the night before, half-assed the final project, and in general hated the class so much I didn’t bother studying for the exams, the professor thought I was a slacker. The nerve!

3) No, I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Like most students, I don’t have the time or money to have an actual steady boyfriend. Sure, I’m no angel, but random guys that you hook up with don’t exactly merit ‘boyfriend’ status. If you are lucky enough to be in a committed relationship, the last thing you want to do is tell your parents; they’ll want to know everything about your significant other, meet him/her, and practically plan your wedding for you.

4) I’m still a virgin. You will always be an innocent angel in your parents’ eyes. Your birth control prescription? That’s just to control acne and PMS. The condoms in your medicine cabinet? Left over from the Student Wellness Fair on campus a few months ago. After all, since you don’t have a boy/girlfriend, who would you sleep with? ;)

5) I had to spend that $300 on books for the quarter. In reality, you found your texts used, online, or at the library and spent about $150. The rest? A celebratory new outfit for surviving the last quarter, a weekend at the bars after finals, and a spending spree at Target for ‘necessities.’

6) I’ve never been drunk. But I’ve got a hilarious story involving a beer bong, a trashed friend, a duck, and a police citation for public urination. I just happened to be there to catch it all. Except for those few ‘blackouts’ when I, uh, wasn’t there.

7) Recreational drugs? What are those? Unless you grew up on a commune and your parents are liberal hippies with a policy of frank openness, mom and dad will insist that they were the only 2 young adults who didn’t smoke up in the ‘70s. Don’t call them out on their lie, and they won’t call you out on yours.

8) I must have missed your call when I was in the shower. I recognized your ring tone but was busy drinking/on Facebook/picking my belly button lint to take 30 minutes out of my day to talk to you. Besides, mom should know by now not to call when Lost/Grey’s Anatomy/24 is on TV.

9) I’d come home this weekend, but I’m just really busy right now with schoolwork. I’ve got two keggers to go to instead. Besides, I don’t feel like driving five hours just for a free meal and laundry. Oh, and I do have a final paper that I’ll have to write on Sunday night, after my hangover wears off.

10) I totally have a five year plan. It involves either winning the lottery or marrying a millionaire. If that doesn’t work out, it involves you paying for grad. school, then me moving back home after graduation if I can’t find a job.